tofu

  1. "Mostly vegan" researcher backs study attacking meat

    Sham vegan study is full of beans

    Maybe it's because I'm not a billy goat -- but there's a real limit to how much garbage I can swallow.

    And whenever I hear these preachy vegetarians in their organic hemp togas arguing that their movement is about "love," I can taste the vomit in my throat.

    Oh, they love the cows... and pigs... and even Mother Earth. But you'd better believe they don't give a hoot about you. Because a new study proves what I've been telling you for years -- these nutjobs would rather see you STARVE than fill your belly with a delicious steak.

    Meat-hating hippies were practically throwing a parade in Times Square when a new study claimed that folks who eat too much animal protein could be shortening their lives. CBS picked up the story... so did the Today show and UPI... the coverage reached all the way to Australia!

    And every one of these incompetent pseudo-journalists owes you an apology, because they were taken for the ride of their lives.

    The one thing NONE of these news agencies reported... and that he apparently wasn't in any great hurry to reveal himself... is that the study's lead author, Dr. Valter Longo, is a card-carrying member of the Cauliflower Crew.

    Our Big Brother media ran hog wild with a story fed to them by a "mostly vegan" researcher telling you not to eat meat.

    I got my AARP card so long ago it was printed on parchment by Benedictine monks, but it took me three minutes online to discover that Dr. Longo practices a mostly vegan diet. And you can be darned sure that every reporter out there discovered the same information I did -- they just chose to hide it from you.

    And there was plenty of other evidence that Dr. Longo's nutrition advice is a one-way ticket to an early grave. He actually recommends starvation diets to cancer patients, and then has the nerve to turn around and claim a pork chop is going to kill you. When you recommend starving over protein, it's not science -- it's politically motivated quackery.

    If you fellas out there want to grow a firm set of bosoms, I can't recommend Dr. Longo's vegan soy diet strongly enough. The foods are so loaded with estrogen, you'll be joining a sewing circle and sipping Starbucks in your yoga pants in no time.

    But the truth is, from the moment you turn 50, you're losing about 2% of your muscle mass a year, and a diet rich in animal fat is the best weapon you have. You won't just look better in the mirror -- you can protect yourself from dangerous falls.

    It's time you tune out those veggie-obsessed fools forever. Their movement's not about love and it's sure not about your health. It's about politics, plain and simple.

  2. Researchers find that we can smell dietary fat in food

    Wake up and smell the tofu!

    The vegan health food Houdinis -- those tofu tricksters -- are at it again.

    They'll resort to anything to get you to choke down their pinebark-and-seaweed meat-free nonsense. They'll press it into cutlets that look like pork chops or slap some cute name on the box like "Tofurkey."

    And it's all some silly ruse meant to trick your mind and fool your senses, crafted by brainwashed nitwits who value the health and life of a chicken more than yours. Now these hippies have a new trick up their sustainable hemp sleeves, and it's aimed straight at your nose.

    Pennsylvania researchers have discovered that human beings can SMELL the dietary fat in food, and they're aiming to develop chemical versions that manufacturers can spray on health foods to make you think you're eating a filet mignon! Blindfolded volunteers were able to sniff out the fattiest foods every time, and researchers say that once they understand what fat smells like, they'll be able to bring these new sprays -- this nutritional napalm for your nose -- to market.

    Well, I can tell you EXACTLY what fat smells like -- delicious!

    I'll take the smell of fresh bacon frying in the pan over some sad soy patty any day. And I'll be healthier for it! Because what these health nuts don't understand is that your body NEEDS fat to fight disease, protect your heart and brain, and keep you from packing on pounds.

    But, believe me this has never been about your health. It's really just animal rights activism run amok. They're trying to protect a bunch of cows that are so dumb they don't have the sense to run from burning barns. God put these bovine boobs on earth for one reason and one reason only -- to be eaten.

    So relax, do your body a favor, and go cook one up right now.

  3. Soy linked to dementia

    Research from Indonesia has discovered a link between high consumption of tofu and poor memory.

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