plastic surgery

Beard-buying boobs create a hairy situation

I'm not what you'd call a technology buff. The only tablets I can tell you about are the ones Moses lugged down Mount Sinai.

But I'm getting ready to buy the largest, gear-grinding paper shredder I can find. Because there are guys in every corner of America who need their “man cards” permanently revoked -- and I hope I don't have to come for yours.

Believe it or not, surgeons across the good old U.S. of A. are becoming overnight millionaires thanks to a new fad that would have had Abe Lincoln puking in his hat -- beard transplants.

Baby-faced 20-somethings -- you know, the kind of guys who wear colorful scarves and knit caps in July -- are plunking down $7,000 or more for facial hair implants to make them look like their favorite celebrities.

Listen, if this was the first step toward cloning Chuck Norris, I'd probably be leading the parade. But we're not creating more Walker Texas Rangers here -- just more idiots. This medical craze is being driven by morons who have swallowed the mainstream lie that surgeries are as safe as a baby in bubble wrap.

And trust me -- lots of these folks are going to end up with disfiguring scars, infections, and worse as unqualified docs scramble to get in on the gold rush.

If you want to look like Fidel Castro, let me save you seven grand -- just grab a cigar and some army fatigues and don't shower and shave for a month. That's a heck of a lot better than letting some surgeon take a scalpel to your face.

My own beard is so manly it does one-armed push-ups while I sleep. And I grew it the old fashioned way -- with steak, bourbon, and a can-do spirit. Follow my plan and you can do more than keep your good health -- you can keep your man card, too.

Foul phone app pushes plastic surgery on kids

When I was a kid when you wanted to make a phone call, you needed a bicycle and a dime. These days you can check your e-mail on your cell phone while playing blackjack against some guy in Indonesia.

And now, it turns out, you can even electronically bully fat kids!

At least you used to be able to. The culturally sensitive wiz kids at Google and Apple have just announced that maybe it wasn't such a hot idea to sell an app that lets kids perform plastic surgery on an overweight peer.

In an age where bullied obese kids are offing themselves in record numbers, Apple and Google decided to sell "Plastic Surgery for Barbie" for kids as young as 9 years old. Fourth graders were presented with an "ugly" blonde girl who is so plump "no diet can help her" and were asked to liposuction the fat from her problem areas.

Now I don't know what the devil paid for mainstream medicine's soul, but it isn't worth a nickel to me. Remember how up in arms we were when the tobacco companies were supposedly marketing cigarettes to kids? Where's the outrage about this game that's trying to sell elementary-aged kids on the merits of dangerous -- and sometimes deadly -- plastic surgery?

No my friend, overweight kids aren't "ugly," they're just in need of some good old fashioned diet advice (hint, it's the same "diet" I always recommend) and a kick in the butt to get up and get moving.

Google on the other hand is hideous, spying on us and snapping pics of our homes and posting them on the internet. Apple is obnoxious, with its founder who reportedly got a hoot out of leaving his Mercedes in handicapped parking spots. And the mainstream is revolting, telling overweight kids that no diet in the world can ever help them -- but a knife-wielding surgeon can.

Next to these three repulsive pigs, every child or grandchild in the world, no matter what they weigh, is an absolute stunner to me.