Michelle Obama

Taking advice from America on diet is like taking advice from China on how to make safe toys... advice from Greece on how to budget... or advice from France on how to fight Germans.

It's so absurd you can't help but laugh at it.

So Italy must've been rolling like dough during Michelle Obama's luxury trip to the country last month -- paid for by you, of course -- because along with packing her usual array of overpriced clothing, she brought along her holier-than-thou diet advice.

While at the American School there -- which educates Italian kids along with Americans, and children from dozens of other countries -- Obama had the nerve to deliver a lecture about the supposed success of her healthy eating program.

She even bragged about how kids just LOVE her new lunches. And that, as the Italians would say, is mucchio di stronzate.

Yeah, it's a load of bull -- and the proof is in the low-cal, skim-milk vanilla pudding because despite Michelle O's claims to the contrary, American kids aren't getting thinner.

That's only true if you cook the numbers, as Obama cronies at the CDC did when they declared that child obesity rates have fallen.

As it turns out, you can only make that claim if you start the analysis from 2003, a year the child obesity numbers spiked so suddenly -- and then fell again so quickly -- that any serious scientist can see there was a problem with the data.

The REAL numbers, from an expert analysis released last year, show that American kids aren't only fatter than ever, but that the rate of extreme obesity among children is higher than ever.

In other words, her much-ballyhooed lunch program has been like everything else to come out of this White House: an unmitigated and highly expensive disaster that they have to lie about.

Meanwhile, the Italians she's lecturing about healthy eating have one of the lowest obesity rates and highest longevity rates on the planet.

If you want healthy kids and grandkids -- if you want to get healthy yourself -- forget what Obama's serving and make like the Italians: only SMALL portions of pasta, lots of full-fat cheese and fresh meats and plenty of hand gestures at every meal.

Queen Obama peeking inside your kid's lunch pail

If the press fawned over Marie Antoinette the way they do Michelle Obama, it's no wonder the French got sick of her. You can't open a newspaper these days without some brain-dead reporter gushing about the First Fashionista's toned arms, low-cut dresses, and thousand-dollar shoes.

Get me a barf bag! How about we ask Miss Michelle a REAL question for once... a question that every man, woman and child in America deserves an answer to.

WHO ON EARTH MADE YOU QUEEN?

In a move that made me spit my Jack Daniels all over my shoes, Her Royal Highness recently continued her assault on America's school lunch program by proposing a new set of rules that would ban the advertising of certain foods.

That's not a typo. A woman who has never been elected to anything... not city council, not town treasurer, heck, not even dog catcher... has taken it upon herself to revamp a $10 billion program that affects 29 million kids.

And she's not about to let the fact that she's grossly unqualified get in her way.

Michelle Obama has declared herself a nutrition expert in much the same way Napoleon declared himself emperor. By all accounts she was a mediocre student in college taking sociology and African American Studies courses -- in fact, I can't find a shred of evidence she took a SINGLE SCIENCE OR NUTRITION COURSE after high school!

But as her fawning admirers are quick to point out, she enjoys tending to her White House vegetable garden.

Here's a fact. American medical schools graduate about 17,000 doctors a year. Back that up 30 years, and there are at least HALF A MILLION Americans more qualified to talk about nutrition and health than Michelle Obama.

Now don't get me wrong -- America's school lunches are so disgusting even Oliver Twist wouldn't ask for a second helping. Kids today have it rough enough without having to choke down burned spaghetti and half a pound of tater tots.

But in a country with laws, some unelected diva doesn't get to play God with billions of your dollars. And in the world of common sense, we don't let the whims of a self-appointed royal determine what we feed our kids.

America's school lunch program is less than 70 years old, and our kids weren't exactly dropping dead of starvation in the classroom before it. That's because moms and dads didn't rely on the government to feed their kids -- they sent their tykes off to school with lunch pails stuffed with chicken, cheese, fruit and other healthy foods.

And if you still have a little one in school, I'd advise you do likewise. Because if you don't take charge of your kid's nutrition, I know an under-educated, unelected egomaniac who's just begging for the job.