The myth of vegan-powered sex

The fastest way to ruin your sex life is with a vegan diet, and that's the truth. But the bunny-huggers at People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals want you to believe that beans, sprouts, and soy will turn you into some kind of sexual superhero.

PUH-leaze!

The vegan diet has absolutely NONE of the nutrients the human body needs for a healthy libido. Yet in a new online ad campaign, PETA shows a young woman with a neck injury caused by a vegan boyfriend who put her head through a wall during their celery-powered sex session.

The video has gone "viral," meaning it's been seen by millions of people on the Internet. But if this is what passes for "viral," stand back -- because you don't want to risk being infected by this one.

The human libido -- especially the male libido -- is powered by protein, which is almost completely absent from the vegan diet. That's why most veg-heads get their protein from buckets of soy-based supplements, along with the usual chunks of tofu and soyburgers.

Just one problem: Soy is actually a plant version of estrogen. It's such a good clone of human estrogen that the body actually thinks it's getting a hormone boost with every bite.

You know what too much estrogen will do to a man, right?

The PETA commercial claims a man who goes vegan will "bring it like a tantric porn star." In reality, all that estrogen means he's more likely to "bring it" like Liberace.

But besides protein, another great libido-booster is zinc -- and the best sources of it are all decidedly un-vegan, especially oysters and liver.

But forget for a minute the absurdity of the "vegans make sex dynamos" claim... because vegan or not, any man who puts a woman's head through a wall during sex should be arrested, not celebrated. Does anyone beside me think it's downright sick that the same people who will do whatever they can to protect rats and squirrels advocate sex so violent a women has to get injured?

If that's what passes for "great vegan sex," count yourself lucky you're not getting any.