Consumer Reports

  1. Just how filthy is your chicken dinner?

    Cockroach crap: It's what's for dinner

    Don't expect to find this in your Betty Crocker Cookbook, but it looks like those factory farm filth peddlers have an exciting new marinade for your chicken breasts.

    It's so simple you won't even need to write it down. It's just one part sickening salmonella bacteria and one part cockroach crap.

    And if you're not exactly rushing to feed that recipe to your family, here's some disgusting news that'll have your belly doing backflips. There's a good chance you already have.

    Uncle Sam recently cited and temporarily shut down a chicken processing plant for Foster Farms, one of the largest chicken producers in the world, because of "egregious" unsanitary conditions. Foster Farms has already been linked to a multi-state salmonella outbreak, but you have to hand it to them -- when they go down, they go down in flames.

    This time, the USDA shut down their plant in Central California because its production line was literally infested with cockroaches! That's right -- Foster Farms employees were practically swatting roaches with one hand while packing your family's chicken drumsticks with the other.

    And if you're ready to give the feds a pat on the back for shutting down Foster Farms, hold on a second. Those incompetent boobs deserve an uppercut to the jaw instead.

    Turns out this wasn't exactly the first time our Keystone Cops meat inspectors found filthy roaches at the Foster Farms plant. It was the fifth time... SINCE AUGUST! That's right, my friend. The plant has been cited three times since November alone, and it was allowed to reopen every single time. In fact, it's back producing chicken RIGHT NOW!

    With these feckless feds watching our food supply, it's no wonder a Consumer Reports study found that 97% of supermarket chicken is crawling with dangerous bacteria.

    You want my advice? Don't listen to me -- listen to your grandpa. Because when you're grandfather wanted chicken for dinner, he sure as heck didn't order it shipped frozen from some mega farm eight states away. The very idea of that would have had him puking on his shoes.

    No, friend, grandpa either walked over to the chicken coop and took matters into his own hands, or he visited a local farmer. You know the kind you can look in the eye and trust... someone who wouldn't be embarrassed to show you how his poultry lives.

    Buying locally-raised chicken (and all meat, for that matter) was good enough for your forebears, and it's plenty good enough for you, too. Because it's clearer than ever that these factory farms are churning out disease-causing filth, and Uncle Sam's occasional slap on the wrist isn't doing a darned thing to stop them.

  2. Magazine's baseless attack on supplements

    Whatever you do, don't take pukeweed -- also known as vomit wort.

    Somehow, I didn't think you'd need a warning over that one -- the name alone is a deterrent -- but Consumer Reports seems to think you might.

    In fact, they've practically organized an entire supplement-hating campaign over pukeweed and a handful of other equally obscure herbal remedies. And the press is just eating it up -- the campaign, that is... not the pukeweed.

    In an age where stories are reduced to headlines running along a TV news ticker, the Consumer Reports "exposé" led to dire warnings that made it sound as if every supplement is tainted, contaminated and dangerous.

    But unless you're a big believer in germanium, chaparral, or bitter orange, there's not much to worry about here.

    The biggest name on the list is colloidal silver, the supplement that'll win you a quick audition for the Blue Man Group because of the color it'll turn your skin. But really, anyone who's still taking silver at this point is beyond even my help.

    I've gotten some flack for my stance on this dangerous remnant from the days of alchemy, but I don't care. There's not a single credible study out there that proves it works, and plenty on its dangers.

    Of the dozen names on the Consumer Reports terrorist supplement watch list, only three really approach common use: Kava, yohimbine and comfrey. And somehow, they manage to get it wrong three out of three times.

    Consumer Reports warns against swallowing comfrey -- but most people use it in a lotion, something even the magazine admits is safe. Yohimbine is a natural aphrodisiac that's far safer than any sex drug on the market. And kava, a natural alternative to anti-anxiety meds, has been the victim of a Big Pharma smear campaign.

    Listen, I'm happy to bust shady supplement makers when they make unrealistic claims or get caught selling tainted vitamins. You know I do it all the time.

    So do yourself a favor and get your nutritional advice from someone you trust -- namely, me -- and save Consumer Reports for the next time you need a toaster oven instead.

  3. Don't be a silent victim of a drug's side effects

    Posted by: on
    Consumer Reports Magazine reveals that one in six Americans who have ever taken a prescription drug experienced a side effect that was serious enough to go to the hospital.

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