1. Just how filthy is your chicken dinner?

    Cockroach crap: It's what's for dinner

    Don't expect to find this in your Betty Crocker Cookbook, but it looks like those factory farm filth peddlers have an exciting new marinade for your chicken breasts.

    It's so simple you won't even need to write it down. It's just one part sickening salmonella bacteria and one part cockroach crap.

    And if you're not exactly rushing to feed that recipe to your family, here's some disgusting news that'll have your belly doing backflips. There's a good chance you already have.

    Uncle Sam recently cited and temporarily shut down a chicken processing plant for Foster Farms, one of the largest chicken producers in the world, because of "egregious" unsanitary conditions. Foster Farms has already been linked to a multi-state salmonella outbreak, but you have to hand it to them -- when they go down, they go down in flames.

    This time, the USDA shut down their plant in Central California because its production line was literally infested with cockroaches! That's right -- Foster Farms employees were practically swatting roaches with one hand while packing your family's chicken drumsticks with the other.

    And if you're ready to give the feds a pat on the back for shutting down Foster Farms, hold on a second. Those incompetent boobs deserve an uppercut to the jaw instead.

    Turns out this wasn't exactly the first time our Keystone Cops meat inspectors found filthy roaches at the Foster Farms plant. It was the fifth time... SINCE AUGUST! That's right, my friend. The plant has been cited three times since November alone, and it was allowed to reopen every single time. In fact, it's back producing chicken RIGHT NOW!

    With these feckless feds watching our food supply, it's no wonder a Consumer Reports study found that 97% of supermarket chicken is crawling with dangerous bacteria.

    You want my advice? Don't listen to me -- listen to your grandpa. Because when you're grandfather wanted chicken for dinner, he sure as heck didn't order it shipped frozen from some mega farm eight states away. The very idea of that would have had him puking on his shoes.

    No, friend, grandpa either walked over to the chicken coop and took matters into his own hands, or he visited a local farmer. You know the kind you can look in the eye and trust... someone who wouldn't be embarrassed to show you how his poultry lives.

    Buying locally-raised chicken (and all meat, for that matter) was good enough for your forebears, and it's plenty good enough for you, too. Because it's clearer than ever that these factory farms are churning out disease-causing filth, and Uncle Sam's occasional slap on the wrist isn't doing a darned thing to stop them.

  2. From the farm to the kitchen

    Pig poop is making you sick -- and you don't have to set foot on a farm or eat a single slice of pork to suffer a deadly infection.

    Factory farms have already succeeded in breeding the ultimate in drug-resistant superbugs, thanks to the extensive overuse of antibiotics in livestock.

    Now, they're also perfecting the ultimate delivery system.

    Scientists have found that flies -- common enough on any farm -- can pick up bacteria from animal waste... then fly off, possibly right into your kitchen around dinnertime.

    A quick stop on your plate, and next thing you know you're in a battle for your life, and you'll probably never even know why.

    OK, I know some of you are breathing a sigh of relief here.

    "There isn't a farm within 100 miles of me," you're probably thinking.

    But you don't have to live within a fly's flight of a farm to get sick -- because those superbug factories are also home to the world's greatest hitchhikers: cockroaches.

    In the same study in BMC Microbiology, scientists found that roaches -- and you know how much they love playing in poo -- can also pick up those same bacteria, then hop aboard a delivery truck, shipping crate or just hitch a ride out with a factory worker.

    Together, these flies and roaches are practically weapons -- flying, crawling, weapons loaded with drug-resistant poo bacteria and headed right for your home.

    It just doesn't get any more disgusting than that -- except for that bit earlier about eating poop.

    So what's the solution? Obviously ban antibiotics for livestock since that's the only way to halt the creation of superbugs on factory farms... but since this was a government-funded study, the researchers instead said farms should get rid of flies and roaches.

    At the same time, the researchers admitted that would be "impossible."

    I couldn't make this stuff up if I tried.

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