1. The poop on cellphones

    Next time you hold your cell phone up to you ear, consider this: Recent tests on hundreds of cellphones in the U.K. found nasty bacteria on nearly all of them, with 92 percent testing positive. And 16 percent were found to have the E. coli bacteria that come from poop.

    A survey taken at the same time as the study found that 95 percent claimed to have washed their hands with soap and water whenever possible -- but while they may have fooled the survey-takers, they didn't fool the swab test: 82 percent of hands tested positive for bacteria, and 16 percent were found to have E. coli.

    Obviously, filthy fingers = filthy phones.

    These people don't wash up after they go -- so the same fingers used to take care of business are now being used to swipe the screens of their smart phones.

    On the other hand, E. coli isn't the worst possible outcome from handling a cellphone -- these devices have been linked to brain tumors, low sperm counts, sexual dysfunction, loss of bone density and more.

    You can keep germs off your fingers -- and off your phones -- by washing your hands after you use the toilet (and by not using your phone while you're actually on the toilet).

    But the only way to avoid the other risks is to keep your hands -- clean or otherwise -- off those phones in the first place.

  2. Cellphone study has some hang-ups

    That noise you're hearing isn't another bad signal from your cellphone -- it's the industry trying to drown out the research linking its devices to cancer.

    The latest effort: A nonsensical new study that claims no link between kids who use cellphones and the risk of brain tumors.

    Researchers surveyed 352 kids and teens from Norway, Denmark, Sweden and Switzerland who were diagnosed with brain cancer and compared them to 646 kids of similar age who didn't have tumors.

    They say 55 percent of the cancer kids were regular cellphone users, versus 51 percent of the kids who didn't have cancer -- or not enough of a difference for a link, according to the study in the Journal of the National Cancer Institute.

    So let's give every kid a cellphone -- heck, let's glue one to every child's ear, right?

    No so fast... because this study is absolutely meaningless.

    First, it was funded by the cellphone industry -- and it just so happened to find that the phones are safe.

    What are the odds?

    Second, the kids in this study were as young as 7 -- not nearly old enough to have been using phones for the years, or even decades, it takes for a brain tumor to form.

    Follow these cellphone-swinging kids for another decade or so and get back to me -- on a landline, please.

    Third, we've got plenty of other studies that say otherwise. One found cellphones will double your tumor risk if you use them for more than a decade, while another found a shocking 500 percent increase in risk in people who start using them before the age of 20.

    Other studies have linked cellphones to tumors in the salivary glands, DNA damage, dementia, infertility, and even bone damage for people who keep one attached to the body all day.

    If you know all that and want to risk it anyway, be my guest.

    But for God's sake, keep these death machines away from kids.

  3. Cellular damage

    You don't need to see research to know that cellphones alter the brain.

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