calories

  1. Food labels coming out of the shadows

    Fat, lazy... and illiterate?!?

    I don't know why most Americans bother to get out of bed in the morning. We've made ourselves useless!

    We have machines to change the channels for us, ones that answer the phones for us, and even one that will vacuum our floors while we take a nap. Heck, you can even strap an electronic stimulator on your abs so you never have to do another sit-up again!

    For Pete's sake, this was the great nation that invented the light bulb and the airplane! Have we REALLY become this lazy?

    Apparently so, because our government may be about to spend millions implementing a policy that will affect every scrap of food at every supermarket in America -- and it's all because we're too lazy to turn a bag of potato chips around.

    The Food and Drug Administration is considering requiring food companies to move nutrition labels to the front of their packages, because nobody is paying attention to them on the back. We're on the verge of investing a king's ransom, simply because some folks can't be bothered to rotate a can of soup!

    How about we stop turning to nanny state legislation to save us from ourselves and start relying on evolution instead? Because, let's be honest, if you can't be bothered to learn which poisonous additives, colorings and sugars you're putting into your own body, you deserve whatever happens next.

    And let me tell you something else, if you're filling your cart each week with foods with mile-long lists of ingredients that didn't even exist a century ago you're barking up the wrong tree anyway. Stick to natural foods like organic meats, fruits and vegetables, and avoid the processed, sugar-laden garbage.

    Because, at the end of the day, who cares where they put the nutrition label on a pack of Oreos? Let some other sap eat that trash.

    Giving fools the label they deserve,

    William Campbell Douglass II, M.D.

  2. Researchers advise turning down the heat for weight loss

    New Dutch diet plan? Freeze your arse off!

    Between sadistic personal trainers who make millions screaming at fat people and infomercials selling electrical stimulators for your love handles, the American diet market is filled with enough nuts to feed a squirrel for a year.

    But now it looks like we're importing our crazies from overseas. A group of Dutch researchers is pushing a new and psychotic way for you to firm up your flabby backside.

    They want you to freeze your arse off!

    Dutch scientists are recommending you shed those extra pounds by setting your home thermostat as low as 59 degrees! That's right. It can feel like autumn in Nova Scotia year round in your living room!

    No, these pseudo-scientists haven't discovered any great secret about your body's chemistry or how fat reacts to cold. They want you to burn calories by literally shivering every waking second of the day!

    And perhaps if you're really serious about dropping the weight, you could step outside to make a naked snow angel in the front yard. You'll surely shiver yourself skinny then -- well, if hypothermia and the cops don't get you first.

    Listen, if you believe the best way to fight flab is by turning your home into a meat locker, you're not thinking hard enough. I've never been overweight a day in my life, and I've done it by COMPLETELY IGNORING everything the health nuts tell you about weight control.

    I've done it by eating MORE delicious fat, from red meat, chicken, fish, and everything else those veggie-headed vegans treat like the spawn of Satan. And I steer clear of the processed sugar garbage that will puff you up like a float in the Rose Bowl Parade.

    Give my "diet" a try for just one month, and watch the pounds peel off. I think you'll have to agree, it beats ice skating in the kitchen any day.

  3. Low-carb diet is better than an hour in the gym

    Don't exercise -- go low-carb instead, as a new study finds that this delicious diet can actually burn as many calories as an hour in the gym.
  4. Let them eat nothing!

    The Nanny State would rather see people STARVE than eat food that doesn't meet Big Mother's approval -- and that's not even an exaggeration.
  5. Cake for breakfast? Not on your life!

    I've told you about some daffy diets over the years. The candy diet, cookie diet, potato diet, Twinkie diet, oat diet. Now, you can add one more to the list.
  6. Overeaters are underthinkers

    Want to keep your mind? Lose the weight. I won't mince words here: Fat people have a higher rate of any number of brain problems, from depression right on up the ladder to dementia.
  7. Take my New Year's challenge -- and win

    Here's my challenge for the New Year: If you're not ready to commit to a low-carb diet, take it out for a test drive, starting this week.
  8. Thin people eat more often

    I don't care when, where or how often you eat -- just WHAT you eat. Eat the right things whenever you're hungry, and you won't weigh an ounce more than you need to. But a new study claims that the secret to a slim waistline is to eat more often.
  9. Lose sleep, eat more

    Researchers asked 13 women and 13 men to live under round-the-clock supervision in a sleep lab for two six-day study periods -- getting up to nine hours of shuteye a night the first time around, and limited to just four hours a night the next time through.
  10. Bigger (breakfast) isn't always better

    A recent study showed what should have been common sense: People who eat big breakfasts ultimately eat more calories throughout the day than people who eat small breakfasts.

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