Sex, drugs & rotting cows

There aren't a ton of rules in the Douglass household, but there's one that kept me sane for years. Every afternoon, when my wife flipped on the tube and I heard the opening strains of One Life to Live, I ran out the door like a cat in heat.

Maybe it's just my man gene kicking in. But there's something about soap operas... about watching rich, beautiful people sleep with and murder each other... that I find tougher to swallow than a $2 steak.

But there's a soap opera playing out right now in a filthy slaughterhouse in Northern California, and every man, woman and child in America needs to tune in fast. Because this little piece of theater isn't going to entertain you much -- but it just may save your life.

Federal investigators are finally getting to the bottom of a story I've been all over like a hobo on a ham sandwich -- the sickening tale of how Rancho Feeding Corp. sold 9 million pounds of diseased, uninspected meat all across America.

And it's a story filled with sex and lies that even the most talented Hollywood script writer couldn't have concocted.

According to a Rancho Feeding whistleblower, the company's plan to sell sick, cancer-riddled beef to your family wasn't an accident -- it was a heinously planned crime that had the potential to sicken MILLIONS of Americans. And it all happened right under Uncle Sam's nose.

I don't mean to shock you my friend, but that "fat" on your last ribeye may have actually been a stage-four melanoma. These slaughterhouse scumbags were sneaking cancer-riddled cows onto the factory floor under the cover of darkness, cutting off their malignant tumors (and even their heads) before processing them and fixing them with fake stamps of approval.

If you ask me they can't fit these criminals with handcuffs fast enough for me -- and before it's all over, there may be a federal meat inspector in the next prison cell.

Because if you're wondering how millions of pounds of diseased beef can get processed without the plant's USDA inspector taking notice, the answer is easier than you think. Everyone likes a good nap after sex.

That's right. The government lackey responsible for keeping your food safe was allegedly rocking and rolling with the factory foreman. According to eyewitnesses and plenty of X-rated text messages, the Rancho federal meat inspector and plant management were getting hot and heavy while deadly beef rolled off the line.

Who says government work doesn't have its perks?

If you ever stepped one foot in one of these disgusting factory slaughterhouses, you'd never trust these cretins with your health again -- and our government isn't any more reliable. Start buying your beef locally, and never trust a supermarket steak.